loneliness studio

may, finally. I don't have as much to say because I've been talking to people on the phone more often.

I don’t often feel like I have everything I need

But with the late sun and the birdsong of the forest

I am fed and clothed and cared for

Final days in Frankfurt, a few in Holland, fewer in Berlin, a single day on the train.

❂

The essentials.

Mint ice cream is rare. I’m not angry, I’m disappointed.

There are Calippos in most supermarkets, but the default flavour is cola. Again, not angry, again, disappointed.

There are many Dunkin’ Donuts, surprisingly many, and they’re quite popular. I have not been.

I can’t find bagels in the supermarket, but most cafes have them.

What is this stuff that settles on everything you put down? Is it pollen? Dust? Dirt? Why does it seem to only be in Germany and is it bad for my health?

Please, if you use all the loo paper and someone is going in after you, let them know what they’re in for. Keeping it secret never helps anyone.

I have been going through the recruitment process for copywriting job at an Italian-based tech company. While I brace for a rejection email this week, I’m also fantasising about moving to Milan.

❂

In January I went to Philip Island. Coincidentally, I was reading a book in which Philip Island was a prominent setting (Bodies of Light, Jennifer Down). Though the story is fiction, Down has not changed any details about the town. Walking the streets, eating Italian food, and not going to the penguin parade was like a tour of the main character’s life. It was really unexpected and ghostly but no joke, changed how I read books.

Today, as I browsed the “Engels” section of one of The Hague’s many bookstores, specifically the Dutch authors in English shelves, I realised that there are a lot of good books in the world. Last year I made a conscious effort to read as many Australian (ideally female, first nations, and/or queer) authors as I could, and it was great. I can recommend some if you’re looking. This year is turning into something different

Books hold something of places as much as they do people, and, especially in place of human companionship when travelling, connecting to the place feels important. I started with Siblings by Brigitte Reimann when I got to Berlin, in Holland I now have The Opposite of a Person by Lieke Marsman. I’m heading to the French border today, and I already know I’ll soon be reading Annie Ernaux

This is now a conscious effort to

- read books by authors from the places I visit, and

- tell you about it

I am still reading The Yellow Notebook, Helen Garner – I do plan to finish this, I read some every day, but I am savouring it and relating to it like a close friend. She and I are not quite ready to part ways yet. I have already finished The Opposite of a Person, Lieke Marsman – it was good, much was set in Italy. I will be bringing it with me when I leave Germany.

I have not started Blueberries, by Ellena Savage, but I am looking forward to it. I am traveling light so I will be reading it on my phone on a library app. Maybe this is why I haven't started it yet.

I am listening to no new music but am revisiting old favourites as I watch the new countryside race my budget train back to Berlin. (Eurovision is excluded from this statement and let’s talk faves later. Who the Hell is Edgar? holds a special place for me and Iceland was ROBBED)

I saw a cat that made me feel the magic of a Murakami novel. It had spots and spooky blue Dune eyes. I didn’t think to take a photo until I had walked away. When I went back it was gone.

I know I can’t get freckles from taking vitamin D3 supplements, but I wear sunscreen and long sleeves every day, so without anyone to tell me I’m crazy I have no other explanation for what’s happening with my arms.

I am sleeping in a room with a panic button. Yes, you can ask me about it.

I am doing a poetry course with the Poetry School. It’s called the Loneliness Studio and though I probably didn’t need any more chances for introspection, it’s given me one. I will only share a poem from it if I get good feedback next week from the tutor. I’m trying to roll with it and not inspect my relationship to external validation too closely.

There’s one other participant who I think I could be friends with. The course is online, but I might try and meet them later in the year.

I am staying in a mansion that backs onto 30kms of mountains covered in vineyards and am learning how e-bikes work. There are window shutters that automatically close when the sun goes down and I am starting to do the same. There is a baby grand piano but I only remember how to play one thing that goes for 12 seconds. There is a freezer full of frozen pizzas for me and fish for the cat that she won't eat, but doesn't get thrown away. There is a bee inside because the windows don't have screens. If I closed the window it can't get out, if I leave it open another one might come in.

That could be a metaphor.